How Musk and Trump Totally Didn’t Rig the 2024 Election (Wink, Wink)

In a shocking turn of events that no one saw coming (except anyone paying attention), Donald Trump and Elon Musk, two of the most humble and selfless men to ever grace planet Earth, absolutely did not rig the 2024 election. No, of course not. They would never dream of using their immense wealth, influence, and technology to sway the results in their favor. That would be unethical—and we all know ethics is their middle name.

But, just for fun, let’s take a look at the “completely unfounded” claims floating around. Because what’s democracy without a little conspiracy-fueled entertainment?

Starlink: The WiFi of Democracy (or the Death of It?)

Some tinfoil-hat-wearing conspiracy theorists (also known as data analysts) have suggested that Musk’s Starlink satellite network might have been used to “accidentally” interfere with voting machines. Now, we all know Musk loves nothing more than meddling in things he doesn’t fully understand (Twitter, self-driving cars, the concept of comedy), but would he really use his fancy space lasers to tip the election?

Well, let’s put it this way—if there’s one guy who would launch a voter suppression campaign into orbit, it’s the one who literally owns a space company. But hey, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that rural Republican districts had excellent Starlink coverage while key Democratic areas mysteriously suffered “technical difficulties.”

Bribery? No, It’s Just a “Thank You for Your Patriotism” Bonus

Elon Musk’s political action committee was so generous that it actually paid voters in key swing states to sign a petition. Nothing says “free and fair election” like a billionaire personally Venmo-ing you to “express your political beliefs” in a way that just happens to benefit his favorite politicians.

A $100 incentive to voters in Wisconsin? Pfft. That’s not buying votes—that’s just helping Americans cope with inflation, right? If that also just happens to help Musk’s conservative buddies, well, that’s just capitalism, baby!

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Trump’s “Totally Not Fascist” Educational Reforms

As an intellectual giant (and former stable genius), Trump took it upon himself to make sure American universities weren’t too educated. After all, an informed public is a dangerous thing. So, when Columbia University dared to teach things he didn’t like, Trump had no choice but to pull $400 million in funding. Nothing screams democracy like strong-arming higher education into submission!

Columbia caved, of course, proving once again that in America, free speech is only free if it aligns with the right political agenda. (Source)

Misinformation: The True Winner of 2024

Thanks to Musk’s acquisition of Twitter (or X, as he so innovatively renamed it, or as I prefer to refer to it, X-Twitter), election misinformation was at an all-time high. While Twitter used to fact-check election claims, under Musk’s reign, “election integrity” meant allowing every bot farm and QAnon uncle to declare the results invalid before votes were even counted.

What’s democracy without a little mass confusion? And let’s not forget Trump’s undying love for “alternative facts”—because reality is so overrated.

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Conclusion: Nothing to See Here, Folks!

So, did Trump and Musk actually steal the 2024 election? Nah, that would require accountability. And if we’ve learned anything from these two, it’s that accountability is just a myth—like trickle-down economics or Musk’s promised Mars colony.

Now, let’s all salute our definitely democratically elected leaders and hope they don’t get any ideas about really making America great again… for themselves.

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